Tobi Likes Them Big
by Lil' DeiDei
Summary: Tobi and the gang sit in a restaurant discussing the size of their stuff. As Tobi begs for someone to share with him, one person is left to wonder why all the Akatsuki's outings turn out like this. Crackfic. Rated T for perversion.


The following story is brought to you by Jill's supremely awesome, but more than a little odd, mind. The ideas within are all her own, though the characters are owned by Kishimoto Masashi.

Another story resulting from a conversation at a restaurant…

**Tobi Likes Them Big**

"Yours is so much bigger than mine, Deidara-senpai. Can I have it?" Tobi asked.

"No," Deidara said, glaring and whacking Tobi's hand away. "It took a lot of work to get mine this big, un. Plus, it's not something you can give away freely."

Tobi looked sad.

"I would share mine," Itachi said, "but Kisame has already claimed it, long ago, and he gets jealous."

The fish-man smiled wide. "Yeah, I'm not sharing. Itachi knows how I like it, and he gets it perfect every time."

Tobi looked confused. "But he didn't do it this time; it was that girl—"

"Doesn't matter," Kisame dismissed with a wave of his hand. "Itachi still has the best property."

"Can Tobi try it? Just once?" Tobi asked hopefully. "Why does Kisame-san not have his own? Everyone else does."

"I'm part fish; do I really need any long term?"

Tobi considered this. "I suppose not," he admitted. "It still seems kind of weird that you just share Itachi-san's whenever you get in the mood."

Itachi looked at him. "It is easier this way."

"Wouldn't it be easier to share with Tobi, too?" Tobi asked, hopeful once more.

"No. You have your own," Itachi said.

"But Kisame-san could get his own! You know, temporarily."

"I don't have a need for it. Itachi's works fine. Well, most of the time," he said, grinning evilly.

Itachi stabbed him with a fork.

"Ow!" Kisame protested. "Why have you even got that? You don't need a fork."

Tobi turned to Zetsu. "Hey, Zetsu-san, yours is big! Can I have it? Can I try it? Please! Please, please, please!"

"No. I'm busy with it."

"Ugh. This isn't fair. Tobi's is so small, yet yours are all so big."

Konan looked over. "Yours isn't that bad, Tobi. Don't feel too bad. If I wasn't sharing with Pein, I would use yours."

Tobi smiled. "Really, Konan-san? Yay!" he cheered. "Mine _is_ quite big, actually," he said, looking down at it appraisingly.

"Jashin-sama always blesses me with the big ones," Hidan said, looking smug.

"Hmm, maybe I should convert to Jashinism," Tobi pondered.

"You can't do such a thing for such a shallow reason! Jashin-sama is a god! You must have pure feelings of death and chaos if you wish for him to bless you!"

"Oh... never mind. Tobi just wants a big one, but he doesn't like killing people just for that. Maybe I could do what Sasori-san did, and turn myself into a puppet?" Tobi suggested.

Sasori shook his head. "When you're a puppet, you don't have one anymore. You just don't need it. You could do the temporary thing, but there's no point, and most establishments do not cater to puppets."

"Oh. Never mind again."

"Maybe you don't need one so bad after all," Kakuzu suggested. "You would save money if you went without."

Tobi shook his head. "That's true, but I really like them. I mean, you guys all have them and they're so nice! Tobi's isn't that small, but, well, I just wish it was a bit bigger."

"Size doesn't matter," Konan disagreed, shaking her head. "What's important is how it feels, like texture."

Pein nodded. "I try to alternate between my bodies so that we all get the best experience from it."

Tobi nodded. "Except I only have one body…"

Pein frowned. "Just find someone to share with, then."

"Hmm. Deidara-senpai," Tobi started.

"No," Deidara said, not even looking up from where he was opening a package.

"Aw, man," Tobi said. He looked around the table again. "Let's see; Itachi-san and Kisame-san already share, and they won't go for a third person, although I have heard that it doesn't make it bad... Pein-sama and Konan-san help each other, too... Do Kakuzu-san and Hidan-san use each other's as well?"

Kakuzu and Hidan exchanged a brief disgusted glance. "Hell no!" Kakuzu exclaimed as Hidan said, "No way in the Land of Jashin-sama would I ever share anything with Kakuzu, let alone _that_!"

"Tobi, what you have to understand is that, well, this stuff is important to a man. You can't just give it away to anybody," Kakuzu explained.

Tobi looked thoughtful. "So, if I share mine with anybody, I should think carefully before I do so?"

Kakuzu nodded.

Hidan nodded also. "Yeah, don't just randomly give it out. People will think you're easy," he said, although the rest of his statement was cut off by Kisame's loud laugh.

"Now, now, Kakuzu, Hidan!" he started.

Deidara cut him off. "Yeah, we all know you Zombie Brother's like to share each other's junk, un," he laughed.

Hidan glared. "You didn't let me finish my statement," he said.

Deidara shrugged. "It was probably something perverted anyway."

"Your statement was perverted, not mine," Hidan protested. "Anyway, what I was going to say was don't just give it out, otherwise people will always take advantage of you."

Tobi nodded sagely. "Okay." He looked thoughtful for a second. "But Sasori-san and Zetsu-san don't share... Do one of you want to share with me?"

"I have no need," Zetsu said.

"**Because I am always right here**," Dark Zetsu added.

"Oh yeah... Sasori-san?"

"Were you not listening earlier? I said I don't need one," Sasori grumbled.

"Oops. Sorry, Sasori-san." Tobi looked back at Hidan. "We should share!"

"Never. A follower of Jashin-sama must be independent."

"How disappointing," Tobi said, trying to remain cheerful despite his predicament of being alone.

"And I don't bother with that stuff. It costs too much money or it takes away from time I can use to earn money," Kakuzu said.

Tobi nodded absentmindedly. "Also, you're really old, so you probably shouldn't be doing anything with them anymore anyway."

Kakuzu glared at him angrily, and was just about to protest against this assault on his manhood when another figure approached their table in McDonald's.

"Why do you guys insist on talking about your French fries so oddly?" Orochimaru asked, as he sat his own tray down on the table.

**

* * *

**

AN: I feel so perverted now… And yes, I know I butchered the canon setup of the Akatsuki, but it had to be done for the sake of freaking myself and you all out.


End file.
